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A Delighted “Hindu Nation” Celebrates Red-Dot Day

January 27, 2009

No Sir(Madam), no. Believe you me. 

I am not exaggerating the least when I say that this week has been the most glorious week for Hindus in America since the monkey-god Hanuman pole vaulted himself all the way across the palk-strait to reach the kingdom of Lanka*. That red-letter day (or should I say red-dot day ), which American Hindus of all shapes and sizes have for centuries eagerly awaited, has FINALLY come to pass !!  

In fact, ever since the fateful moment when the mythic bloody gang wars between the Kauravas and Pandavas culminated in a barbaric death-fest, generations upon generation of hindus have spent countless number of idle hours offering prayers and sacrifices to their imaginary friends  – only so that some fortunate descendant can immigrate to the US and witness this glorious day.  It is even said that this day was secretly predicted in an ancient secret text, secretly written by a secret group of  semi-naked hermits at some undisclosed secret location near the banks of a secret river known as the Ganges (I know. I know. That’s too many impolite ‘secrets’ in one sentence).  

When I first read the news, as an ex-Hindu I couldn’t help but feel tears of gratitude rolling down my brown, bony cheeks. The fact that the news appeared in some obscure news media didn’t matter. It had ‘victory’ stamped all over it. I could even smell those victory-flavored incense sticks . After centuries of cruel subjugation by the malevolent Muslims and the sinful Christians, the exalted Hindus have finally been given their due respect. The respect for Hindu culture which can only be shown through flaunting displays of small innocuos vermilion dots (bindis) on the forehead by famous Hollywood celebrities. And, we have only Mr. Rajan Zed  to thank profusely for pointing out this extremely important matter of national “honor” to  the “Hindu Nation”. 

 

I am sure the philogynist Krishna is smiling in his grave upon hearing this news. What??!! Did you say he wasn’t buried ?? Errr…ummm… Are you sure that’s what the largest Hindu fantasy claims??? Oh, you mean the marijuana-addicted hindu ascetics also vouch for it? Well if they, in their exalted wisdom attest to it there is no reason for me to cast any doubt. My sincere apologies for that misrepresentation.

 

julia-roberts

 

Julia Robert- Roberts applauded by Hindus   

“America’s leading Hindus have applauded Julia Roberts for showing them respect during a recent trip to the sacred Taj Mahal temple in Agra, India. The Pretty Woman star and her husband Danny Moder were spotted visiting the tourist attraction last week – and Roberts was photographed sporting a bindi mark on her forehead – which has delighted the Hindu nation.
Nevada-based Hindu statesman Rajan Zed tells WENN, “Julia Roberts honoured the traditions of India by sporting a bindi on her forehead during her recent trip to India, and we are very happy she did. It was a mark of respect that has not gone unnoticed.”

 

Even though it wasn’t mentioned in the report, close sources to Julia informed me that the Italians, the French and the South-Africans were also “honored” by Julia’s use of their clothing line, perfume and diamonds and expressed their delight in secret memos sent to Julia. So, maybe it’s not a celebration day for Hindus alone but for the entire Christian world as well.

The report then goes on to delight the reader even further with it’s erudition and scholarship on the ponderous subject of bindis

  

A bindi is a small round mark of vermillion applied in the middle of the forehead close to the eyebrows. Besides decoration, the bindi is said to symbolise good fortune. It strengthens concentration and retains energy; protecting against bad luck and demons.

 

Ah ! I finally get it. What was I thinking? I have often secretly wondered how Indian women always seemed to glow in the dark. Now I have realized the scientific reason behind it !! Maybe glow-worms wear bindis too.

“Hey Lithium-ion batteries, take a hike. OK. We don’t need you no more. Due to the recent discovery of excellent “energy retaining” qualities of bindis, we have just decided to produce more bindi-wearing kids instead.”

 The bindi also explains the unrelenting focus and concentration of Indian women (compared to her western counterparts) and the shamanic powers they seem to posess when it comes to dispelling the demons which frequently roam the streets in India. Given bindis’ apparent ability to change fortunes, I wonder if the US government should take a cue from the Indians and make it mandatory for all the Wall-street CEOs to adorn a bindi on their forehead as well. Maybe that is the secret fortune-pill we all have been waiting for to help boot-strap the economy from the bottomless pit it has sunk to.   

Oh, btw, did I forget to introduce the Hindu ‘Jedi’ knight Mr. Zed? Sorry my bad.

Meet Mr. Rajan Zed – president of the Universal Society of Hinduism and the self-appointed savior and spokesperson for the “Hindu nation”, who in 2007 faced angry christian protestors while offering the senate’s morning prayer . Since then, he seemed to have developed a passion for unabashed publicity and self-promotion – a sort of innocent hobby (if it can be called so) where Mr. Zed takes it upon himself to display feelings of “hurt Hindu sentiments” and “wounded religious pride” at the slightest provocation (or contrarily revelling at the sight of bindis on the foreheads of Hollywood celebrities).

 

 

Be it Heidi Klum and his Kali costume (about which I wrote in this post), Natalie Portman in Carmensita or the inimitable Mike Myers in the Love Guru (which Mr. Zed claims to have failed at the box-office due to hindu protests),  Mr. Zed can always be found battling the demonic celebrities in the western media with his bindi-powered, energy-efficient light saber.

If you are a non-brown, non-Hindu, somewhat-famous celebrity living in the western part of the world, especially the US, you better watch out !! You are never safe from Mr. Zed’s mortal laser blows. Anything remotely perceived as misrepresentation is a “pure and blatant ridiculing of Hinduism, the oldest religion in the world** .” And, you should definitely know that no one has the right to ridicule senile, elderly religions, correct ?

Oh, never mind the skilfully choreographed snake dances, hemp-addicted actors singing odes to Lord shiva,  superstitious junk and the ludicrous miracles Indian movies seem to peddle in the name of Hinduism. That’s just great marketing videos for Hinduism Inc. and hence inculpable of any gross misrepresentation. You just don’t have the right to entertain yourselves at the expense of Hindu deities publicly (although dances like these are OK) . Btw, Great Khali , you don’t need to worry about it. It doesn’t matter if you are using the Goddess Kali’s name as a WWE pro-wrestler. You are probably a brown and Hindu dude and as such exempt from all charges of misrepresenting Hinduism. Not to mention that Mr. Zed doesn’t have enough laser power to do anything to you anyway.

But hey, it’s celebration time. So let’s play our drums, bang our cymbals and rejoice in our new found “respect”. The glorious day of Hinduism is finally here. And Julia, if you haven’t noticed already,the logo of ‘Nitwit Nastik’ fits perfectly with your production company’s name – Red OM films. So, if you are thinking of changing the logo of  your production company anytime soon, you know whom to call. 

 

 

 
 
 *   Present day Sri-Lanka
 ** There’s no consensus about this. Some claim that Zoroastrianism is older or probably as old as Hinduism. Many Jews claim that Judaism is the oldest religion. Other religions have also similarly claimed themselves to be the oldest religion.

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. Ram Venkatararam permalink
    January 27, 2009 7:35 pm

    LoL. Right on my brother!

  2. myminddroppings permalink
    January 28, 2009 4:03 pm

    Way to go Nastik! Prepare to celebrate the international acclaim of the loin-cloth too.

    • nitwitnastik permalink*
      January 29, 2009 7:26 am

      @ Rohit and Ram

      Thanks.

  3. January 29, 2009 5:38 pm

    Yessss….
    The proud hindu nation marches on …

    We vow to revenge the sufferings and torture of thousands of years ….
    We are the children of god, we are the supreme race, we are the better culture.
    We will not relent until we achieve our ‘kriNvanto vishwam aryam’ goal (although for a brief period Hitler hijacked our slogan).

    Jai Hindu!!!!

    • nitwitnastik permalink*
      January 30, 2009 9:43 am

      @Aniket

      touche !!

  4. February 9, 2009 1:15 pm

    Where was your blog all these years, why oh why did I not know about it till today. Blessed be the day( maybe I should wear the bindi).

    • nitwitnastik permalink*
      February 9, 2009 1:49 pm

      @Allytude

      hahaha…why oh why did I not know about such a potential reader. 🙂

      Thanks for your comments again.

  5. Ravi Kumar permalink
    October 11, 2009 8:59 am

    You’re an insane man.

    Insulting Hinduism or any religion is not the right thing to do, if you do not believe than do not comment, insulting any religion is offensive to any religious person.

    Instead you should go ahead and do some research on your own religion. Ultimately, your ignorance is going to be short lived as sooner or later you would have to meet your maker, then only would you have a better understanding.

    In the meantime, I would pray for you so that GOD may show you the right path.

  6. November 17, 2010 7:57 am

    U fucking sad lonely and unloved bastard!! Maybe you’re like this because you probably walked in on your dad fucking your sister as a child and turned mentally retarded after not only to find out your mother was a crack addict whore who was raped in the indian slums by beggars every night..which one of is your father…explained things a lil bit???

    • nitwitnastik permalink*
      November 19, 2010 12:52 pm

      Good One..Thanks for the Love.. !!

  7. boomer permalink
    January 17, 2011 3:23 pm

    if we find ur address u r not going to live more or wherever or which ever part of world u r. get lost out of here u anti hindus sale kutte chotte chotte tukde karunga tere dam h to ek bar sabke samne road pe aa kar aisa bol k dikha sale suar.

    • Raj S. permalink
      February 4, 2012 8:54 pm

      Do we need any more proof what religion does to a man !

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