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A Foolproof Formula To Liberate The Soul

March 26, 2009

It’s a pity what a lifetime of listening to manufactured lies and certified bullcrap will do to people’s psyche.

Meet Mr. Davender Ghai, a member of the ‘I-AM-A-BETTER-MORON-THAN-YOU’ fan club, particularly from the ‘MY-FANTASY-IS-OLDER-THAN-YOURS’ sect.





This elderly hindu gentleman was recently reported fighting for Hindu ‘dignity’ at an UK High Court. Why? Because he is ,  “increasingly consumed with dread” at the prospect of being cremated in the local council crematorium instead of an open-air funeral pyre. [BBC reports – The Fiery Hindu Way of Death]

Mr Ghai says that as a Hindu he believes the consecrated fire of an open-air funeral pyre is necessary to free the soul and achieve what he describes as a “sacramental rebirth, like the mythical phoenix”.

That’s right. There you have it ladies and gentleman. The age old answer to the emancipation of shackled human souls – open air funeral pyres. Taa-daa!! 


I am sure open air funeral pyres are exactly what those imprisoned, non-existent souls need in order to escape our useless, mortal cages; fluttering their tiny little soul-wings as fast as possible lest they get caught by an expectant mother, and get shoved right back into another hapless child. But, to what avail ? Only to get sent back with a kick on the posterior, by the supreme Sky Daddy ? Goddammit !! That’s hardly fair. Is it?  I demand this ungodly cruelty be stopped immediately. Will someone convince our sorry little souls to get organized asap and file a class-action lawsuit against Sky Daddy?

Frankly,  I don’t understand what this fuss is all about.  If the ultimate fate of any soul is to get reborn again, what’s the point of escaping to heaven anyway? Why not bide time here on earth and enjoy the incorporeal life partying in old dilapidated buildings, playing hide and seek with crazy exorcists and scaring unwary little kids to watch them poop in their pants? That would be great way to spend some time, don’t you think? Then, once the souls are mentally ready (do souls have brains?) and can find ripe young bodies to move into, they can fly right back in and start another life. What say ?

Btw, not to discourage anyone, but the grape vine has it that the real estate prices in Hindu heaven are now way beyond affordability levels of the average Hindu soul. With Hindu populations growing faster than the E.Coli bacteria, real estate prices have soared to a billion fold compared to its Rig-Vedic price. I tell you man. Anyone, clamouring for an open air pyre should carefully weigh the pros and cons of his/her action. What’s the point of moving to Hindu heaven if the ultimate fate of your soul is to roam around like naga sadhus in kumbh mela ?

The report points out further

Some British Hindus send the bodies of their relatives to India to ensure they are burnt in line with traditional practice. A strict interpretation demands the ashes are left to cool naturally for a period of three days. Ideally, they would then be scattered in the sacred River Ganges.  A number of British rivers – including the Soar, the Thames and the Wye – have been “anointed with water from the Ganges”, to make them credible substitutes for the holy river.


That’s right. I almost forgot. The malleability of religion to be beaten into any form or shape. Modifying, rehashing old rules and inventing new ones almost on a petulant whim. There’s always a sneaky work-around for everything. “Oh God said this  ? That’s Ok, I am sure god wouldn’t mind a small change to the rule book here and and a little addition there. After all everything is for Him. ”

Drop a few drops of holy water on a river thousands of miles away and miraculously that river is transformed into a holy Indian river. How convenient? Now all Hinduscan happily transfer whatever they do on the bank of the river Ganges to the river Thames – brushing their teeth, washing their clothes, taking a bath, throwing their household garbage or even taking a dump and then offering their dump filled water to the Gods. I am sure the Gods will be elated. After all, what better water to drink than water from a poop filled river? Who knows, if things go this way maybe we will even witness the next Kumbh mela on the bank of the river Thames?

In fact, this concept of pouring Ganges water into foreign rivers and transforming them into substitutes has given my entrepreneurial brain an excellent idea about starting a fool-proof, recession proof business. Want to listen to it? Here it goes.

Take a bottle of tap water from the…..errr… know – a tap ??!! Drop a few drops of coke into it. Shake it vigorously so that they mix well and voila !! A bottle of Coke.  Yaaayyy !! In fact, with this method can you imagine what we cannot sell ? Only the sky is the limit. We could sell small samples of tea, coffee, beer, whiskey, vodka..heck even cough syrup and orange juice. You name it. Just pour a few drops of the same in a bottle of water and watch how the water gets magically transformed into whatever you want.

Cool business idea right? Hmm…maybe I should talk to few  Hindu Venture Capitalists.



In a separate CNN report Ghai was quoted saying [video link]

He(Ghai) described normal cremation facilities as “a mechanized humiliation of dignity — a waste disposal process devoid of spiritual significance. Confining bodies in coffins and concealing the cremation process” did not reflect his cultural values, Ghai added.


Where did Mr. Ghai get this nonsensical belief  that cremating dead bodies other than using open air pyres doesn’t free the soul and is devoid of any spiritual significance? Ah, yes !! From a few 4000 year old fairy tales I am sure.

Btw, does he know that my 50,000 year old fairy tale (which easily trumps any crappy 4000 yr old fairy tale)  tells me that all human dead bodies are to be anointed with tomato ketchup then wrapped in aluminium foils only to be dipped in liquid nitrogen and suspended from banyan trees using titanium wires till aliens from the planet ‘Oguga XXV’ comes and brings them all back to life?

WHAT ??!! You don’t believe me? 

Damn you atheists ! You guys HAVE to question everything, don’t you ? You are all a bunch of morons and crackpots. Worse than that pompous ignoramus Nitwit Nastik.




Mr. Ghai probably doesn’t realize that thousands of departed Hindus in India are not cremated in open air pyres but in electric furnaces. Does that mean their souls are not reborn (if you believe in that loony theory. that is) ? Does that mean other religions, who do not burn their dead in open air pyres are debarred from the wonderful privilege of rebirth ? Does that mean only Hindu customs have spiritual significance and only hindus know how to show dignity to their dear departed and others don’t?

As a person who has witnessed all four cremations of both maternal and paternal grandparents (out of whom two were cremated on an open air pyres) I can tell you it’s no fun to watch a guy poke and push the body of the dear departed with a stick trying to get it further into the wood if it happens to hang out from the pyre. In fact it’s an absolute torture. 

And, where does Mr. Ghai think all the ashes and unburnt flesh/bones and wood gets thrown after cremation on an open air pyre. That’s right. In the nearby river which almost always borders a crematorium (in India at least).  This water then finds it’s way into the bodies and houses of people who swim, bathe or use that water for household cooking. That’s not particularly hygienic or environment friendly is it? According to some estimates, in India, open air pyres consume 50 million trees every year and leave behind 8 million tonnes of carbon dioxide [Link]. Is that a very clean and green method of burning the dead? In comparison, electricity operated furnaces are cheaper, cleaner and less tortuous to watch.


Btw, sorry to break it to you Mr. Ghai, but a human dead body *IS* a type of waste (if we ignore political correctness for a moment). If a waste is anything that has fulfilled it’s useful purpose, then a human dead body is no less a waste than a broken TV or a used paper plate. I hate to compare my dear late grandparents with paper plates and loathe to think of them as human waste. But, at the end of the day if we think about it rationally, that’s not too far from what their bodies were worth to everyone else , especially those who were never related to them. So shouldn’t the human dead body  be treated as any other waste and disposed off in the most clean, energy efficient and humane manner? From that perspective, wouldn’t it be better to cremate them in electric furnaces rather than open air pyres?


I am not against people fighting for their rights. Heck, if you can convice a court of law without resorting to ancient bullcrap and you have a humane, environmental friendly way of burning, burying or disposing off the dead, go right ahead. I cannot care less how you do it. But when a group of people demand their rights only to make a political statement and tries to justify those rights based on ludicrous religious beliefs and manufactured social rules then that’s something I cannot bring myself to support. 

Even if it means an eternity of imprisonment for my shackled soul.  


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9 Comments leave one →
  1. March 27, 2009 11:33 am

    Wonderful post! You put all my “frustration” with this in one place!

    • nitwitnastik permalink*
      March 28, 2009 7:37 am

      Thanks Siddharth

  2. Chirag Chamoli permalink
    March 31, 2009 12:55 am

    Well Buddha, sathiya gaya hai 😉

    • nitwitnastik permalink*
      March 31, 2009 2:59 pm


      LOL !! I feel empathy for this guy actually. When a person is fed lies for 70+ years of his life, it’s quite normal for him to feel afraid about his life after death.

  3. April 2, 2009 5:26 am

    I like the anointed in ketchup part of your religion! I would also like a tinge of fiery hot sauce and an open air broil for my “mortal remains”- the religion I am going to found gtoday afternoon will have that

    • nitwitnastik permalink*
      April 2, 2009 5:50 am

      btw, don’t forget the jalapeno peppers. You got to have jalpeno peppers. Aliens won’t help you if you don’t have jalapeno peppers. 🙂

  4. Badz permalink
    May 11, 2009 11:28 am

    LoL! After reading your comment on Indyeah’s blog , I was interested on how you write and what you write about. (which may I add, I will try and reply to tomorrow. Got exams starting next week so need to prepare. Plus went home for the weekend so not had time to write/reply.)

    Well now for my cooment on this post. The things that you wrote, made me laugh all the whole post. I love the part where you say “all human dead bodies are to be anointed with tomato ketchup then wrapped in aluminium foils only to be dipped in liquid nitrogen and suspended from banyan trees using titanium wires till aliens from the planet ’Oguga XXV’ comes and brings them all back to life.” That was too good. 😆

    Now getting a little serious like yourself, I TOTALLY disagree with Mr. Ghai on insisting on bring an open-air funeral pyre to the UK. Think about all that polution that it produces. And I certainly wouldn’t like to see a loved one being burnt in an open-air funeral pyre. I’m all for the cremate them in electric furnaces.

    If Mr. Ghai wants one then, by all means, he can go to India and die there and ask his family to burn his body in the open fire. What’s the point on having all this mellow drama here in the UK? Although it would have been interesting going to see his case in court. Free entertainment. 😆 (sorry! Just couldn’t help myself. I find it quite hilarious.)

    Now him saying the soul cannot be released and freed etc is a load of bull shit. (excuse my language) I thought souls can go through solids e.g. walls. doors, etc so I’m sure it will be able to get out of the coffin.

    By the way, I like you business idea, BUT somehow I think it won’t be successful. 😛 I think Hindus in the UK said the made the rivers here sacred etc because not everyone can afford to fly off to India to scatter/pour the ashes into the River Ganges. Hence they needed a substitute for it in the UK. Personnally I wouldn’t want to pour my family’s ashes in a substitute river BUT some people don’t have a choice I guess.

    Anyway, I think I have written enough. You’re probably bored of me already and am screaming at me to shut up. 😉

    • nitwitnastik permalink*
      May 11, 2009 7:10 pm

      Hi Badz, Thank you for your comment and welcome to my blog. I am glad to learn that you found my post humourous. Do check out the rest of my blog when you can and let me know what you think of it. All the best for your exams.

      Btw, I wasn’t seriously thinking about such a business. It was meant as a joke. But I am sure you knew that already. 🙂


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